Me, my little sister, and two decades of Indian social conditioning.

I spent most of my little sister’s early years in school manipulating her emotionally to score well in her exams.

‘ I’m hurting you cause I care for you. Education is the only way to succeed’

Only recently did I find out how it had affected her. My family was dysfunctional and she’d spent a good year depressed believing no one loved her. She was lonely at a time when she needed me the most.

Today, she’s gotten accepted at a University ( keeping the details private) for a bachelor’s degree in architecture. From what I hear, it’s a great university and not an easy place to get into. It was the random things she’d taken interested in-baking, singing, and drawing, that had strengthened her portfolio and impressed the interviewers.

In fact, baking was an interest she’d developed after her boards. The old me would have constantly criticised her for getting distracted and wasting time in not preparing for the architecture exams that were due in the next months.

The old me would have felt disappointed with her board results ( 76%) and not made much of an effort to hide it.

‘ Seriously, you’re baking now? How do you not feel bad about your scores’ I’d have asked.

Basically, I’d have been a monster. As I had been in the previous years.

The last two years was when a host of reasons compounded to radically change my perspective. For the first time, I’d started to take notice of the brilliant people around me who didn’t have impressive scorecards or university degrees.

A recent good friend, who’d been considered the most technical person for his role in my company, had barely passed his school exams. He could code, build apps, and solve technical problems as if he’d had years of training. People thought he was joking when he said he’d studied literature at a university no ones heard of.

But the real reason, I’m ashamed to admit, is that my sister was going through more mental stress than any 16-year old should. Without getting into much detail- the scene at home was ugly.

I had to worry about how she was getting through each day. Concern about her scores was forced to take a backseat. And it was during that time I let myself believe that scores may not always mean everything.

I’d suggested she gives a degree in architecture it a thought, given she’d liked to draw as a child. It was a course I’d gotten to know of purely through happenstance.

Up until then, engineering, law, and medicine were the only degrees I’d thought were worth pursuing if you had any serious ambition of succeeding.

You see my family and relatives belonged to the lower middle class. The only way people could, and did, upgrade to a better standard of living was through education. A professional degree at a decent university and a job at an IT company were what catapulted us to a more comfortable life. Because of that, we were raised in an environment where kids were compelled to study and score excellent.

“ Just a few years of suffering for a lifetime of happiness. It’s now or absolutely never”

That people could pursue what they liked, not care about university reputation, and still succeed was new to me. It took a while to understand success doesn’t mean luxury or international business trips. That it means to be truly, passionately happy with a job that gives a decent paycheque.

The paradigm shift in my perspective has had a butterfly effect on literally every other aspect of my thinking. My ambitions do not care as much for job titles anymore. I no longer judge my colleagues based on their competence at work. Most importantly though, it’s made a world of difference to the dynamics I share with my sister.

She eventually developed a keen interest in architecture and interior design. Partly because she liked it, and partly because it was a good way to escape studying the subjects she’d have otherwise been forced to.

Not sure if I’m more proud- that she’s gotten accepted at the university she wanted, happy- that she’s grown past the darkness to be a normal silly teen, or grateful- for the wonderful relationship we now share.